Renske de Greef

We’re having an informal dinner with some local development workers. After my first bite a handsome boy with a Judas-Jesus Christ Superstar-beard asks me what the Netherlands are like. I can't think of anything else to say than: 'Cows, but fat, and black and white.' After talking about fat, black and white Dutch cows versus thin brown African ones, his phone rings. His face lights up and carefully he walks to the corridor, holding the phone like a holy relic. When he comes back his face is radiating even more. 'That was Ivy.'

'Your girlfriend?'

'Not yet. But hopefully that will happen soon.'

Suddenly I realize something I've heard earlier that day. 'May I ask you something? It's a bit personal.' He smiles. 'Of course.'

'Is it true that in Malawi it’s normal to have a second girlfriend?' Suddenly everyone is quiet and all men look at us. The Ivy-boy smiles. 'Yes, that's normal.' Fascinated I slide closer. I have so many questions that I stumble over my words. 'But...do you think you will do that? Take a second Ivy?' The men chuckle. The Ivy-boy grins. 'In Malawi everyone does it. Secretly of course,  but every woman knows that her husband will have another girlfriend eventually. So yes.'

'Don't they find it annoying?' He shrugs. 'Well. Of course it is important to be good at time management, otherwise she will get lonely,' he laughs. All men grin approvingly. 'And the Second-Ivy, what’s in it for her?'

'She learns how to be a girlfriend, a woman. They learn to love. It also has commercial value. They get presents.'

'Mobile phones,' says someone. 'and dresses,' adds another. I'm very surprised and look around. 'And everyone does it?' They nod and grin. 'If someone wouldn't do it, what would you say?'

'That's not a real man,' says one. 'Why wouldn't you? We’re just realistic. Your first woman gets the respect, you really love her. She’s the mother of your children and you will always protect her. With the second it's just lust. After a while you lose the lust for your first wife. Especially when she is pregnant, but you still love her.'

'If your pregnant wife is home, where do you take your Second-Ivy?'

'The bushes,' is giggled softly. I shake my head and cannot suppress a smile. 'But boys, what if First-Ivy takes a boyfriend.' Now the Ivy-boy looks serious. 'Then it is over.' I think about this for a while and something comes up. 'What if you take Second-Ivy back home? She becomes friends with First-Ivy, very nice, but one day you come home and find them in bed together!'

It's a little quieter than I had hoped after my joyous outburst. Then the Ivy-lover continues: 'That is unheard of. Then I get a gun out of the closet.' He laughs, but not wholeheartedly. I am quiet. The men talk and tell me that you should also share Second-Ivy with your friends. After a while I ask the Ivy-lover: 'If a Second-Ivy is so normal, then perhaps your First-Ivy has been a Second-Ivy before.' The men begin to roar. In a laughing oh-oh-oh way he shakes his head: 'I don't want to think about that.'

About the author

Renske de Greef is a freelance journalist and writes a daily column for the Dutch newspaper nrc.next. This column is a translation of a column she wrote for her book “Sex in Africa” and is published with the approval of the author.